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“Sorry about the breakouts.” “Please excuse the awkward pose.” “Sorry for the messy hair.” “Sorry for the belly fluff.”
I used to say things like this all the time, and I see other women using these little disclosures all the time, too.
When I started writing this blog, I noticed how often I wanted to say something like this. In almost every post with a photo of myself, I felt the urge to apologize for something.
I decided to try a little experiment. I made a rule that I wasn’t allowed to apologize for how I look. Whether it was a blog post, or an Instagram caption, or just some text messages with a friend, no “sorry”s allowed.
After I started this rule, I realized how often I wanted to apologize for more than just how I looked. I decided to expand my rule. When I start to make an apology, I’ll ask myself why I feel the need to write it in. Was it really necessary? I stopped apologizing for lots of things: “Sorry for the bad photos.” “Sorry for the mess.”
I’ll admit, it’s not easy. I was surprised at how many times I instinctively started to apologize for trivial things. And beyond that, I was surprised at how uncomfortable it was to squash the urge and put myself out there without an apology. But over time, it got easier. I don’t try to apologize as often, and when I do, it’s easier to catch myself and let it go.
Here’s the thing, though: why do we feel the need to apologize for regular things? Why do we feel ashamed when we share something that shows we are less-than-perfect and, well, human? Why do we feel like people are going to be outraged and disgusted by our small flaws and mistakes, like a zit on our chin or stretch marks or a candid pic where we’re caught in an awkward pose?
Every time we pick ourselves apart in front of others, we’re sending a message to our subconscious that our flaws are bad and shameful. We’re subtly telling ourselves that because of our shortcomings, we are less worthy of people’s time or we are deserving of judgment.
And by the way, here’s another secret. When you don’t apologize, no one else even notices those flaws you thought were such a huge deal. When I stopped apologizing for not wearing makeup or having acne, I never got a single comment saying “EWWW your face is so gross!!!” No one worries about how you look nearly as much as you worry about it. I’ve started to learn that I really am my worst critic, and that if I don’t put my flaws up in neon lights, they’re just not a big deal.
My challenge for you is simple: stop apologizing so much, and especially stop apologizing for your body!
Notice how often you feel the urge to apologize, and start charting a new course. Every time you make that tiny decision not to be ashamed of those flaws, you take back power a little at a time. You redirect your thoughts to say: “yes, I have flaws, but I don’t need to feel ashamed of that. I don’t need to pick myself apart.” We are still worthy even when our skin isn’t perfect, our muscles aren’t perfectly chiseled, and our makeup and hair aren’t all done up.
What I’m wearing
Top, sports bra, and bottom courtesy of Carbon38
Carbon38 Chris top in raven
Carbon38 nucleon sports bra
Varley Barry tights in nightstalker
Nike metcon 2 in rose gold
Kate Spade “Dusty” sunglasses
Love this! I’m guilty of this. I am nearly 44 and can do what most 20 year olds can do, run a 10km in 45 mins yet somehow I always ‘expected’ to look like I did 20 years ago. I will try this out. Sorry not sorry now!!!
Yeah, you should be proud of yourself, nevermind if you look a little older. :)
Hi AA! OT, but I think you mentioned wanting to try Alala’s Flyback tank. Neiman Marcus has 30% one item with code CHARM30 and 20% off one item with code GREEN20 and they have that tank in a full size run! These codes are good through Friday and you can use both.
Thanks so much for sharing these!!! :)
This is a terrific reminder. Why should we apologize for being imperfect? No one is perfect- we are human! I don’t care about anyone else’s imperfections, so why do I feel like other people are focused on mine!? It’s not logical.
The crazy thing is, when I look back on the “flaws” that held me back over the years, I think to myself, “wow, if only I had that body now!” I need to start appreciating what I have, rather than beating myself up to look like I think it should. Thank you for this. :)
Yes you nailed it! I don’t care if someone doesn’t look perfectly polished when they share a picture so why do I think they’ll care? It’s not all about me. :)
Great post. I suffer from anxiety, and spent a lot of time worrying about what others think. I tried so hard to do everything perfectly that it really hurt when others would point out flaws or mistakes. To me it felt like nit-picking… when as a whole I know I’m a gem. What I’m really trying to do now is lower the volume on what others think of me and increase the volume on what I think of myself (daily self reminders of how great I’m doing, what I’ve accomplised, how strong I’ve become, how much I’ve improved, how proud I am of myself etc). This self praise does not come easy or naturally. One trick my mom taught me is if someone is coming at you with disapproval or criticism, press an “emergency button” (metaphorical one) that’s the best time to kick in with that self praise. Also brushing things off helps too. Just let it go. Put it in a bubble and imagine it float away.
OT: I lasted 1.5 months on spending freeze. I bought myself a new light blue Kate Spade purse today, which I think I’ll enjoy more since it’s the first new thing I’ve bought in a while! I enjoy it more on its own I think, than if I bought a number of new things at once.
I love the thoughts and tips you’ve shared here! You’re right that positive self talk can be surprisingly difficult, but is such a valuable skill to cultivate. I really like your idea of visualizing things literally going away, too. Those visualizations can be so powerful.
Also: I totally agree that when you slow down buying things, it’s so much more exciting to get something new, and it gives you a chance to enjoy it! :)
Excellent post! I also enjoyed reading everyone’s comments. Desiree – I like your mom’s trick about using the “emergency button.”
Thanks Melsy! :) I agree, I love to read other people’s perspectives on this too.
Yes! I’m really glad you brought up this topic. I’ve especially noticed this as I’ve gotten older (well, past my early 20’s anyway!). I’ve always been an apologizer and I could maybe psychoanalyze myself, but whatever the reason, “sorry’s” have been ingrained in my everyday speech. It took a boyfriend asking me why I was apologizing for something that wasn’t even my fault that made me really notice. I still apologize for things, especially when I’m feeling awkward in a social situation, but I’m trying to do it less!
P.S. I have the Bayview tights in the same print! Love them, but not the best design to have chosen considering my height (unless I wear them over my heel).
Yup, you’re definitely not alone there! I’m especially trying to cut back on the apologizing in my professional life. I think it affects my credibility if I’m constantly saying sorry for things. And as a child-sized woman in the biotech industry, I need all the credibility I can get. :)
And thanks for the note on the bayview tights. I thought about those but figured the barry tights would be better for the reasons you mentioned. The barrys still were definitely made for a taller person but the mesh is at least just on the sides so that’s not an issue.
Yes to all of this! Apologizing less (particularly at work) is actually my main New Year’s resolution this year. I do it out of politeness but I know it can be interpreted as weakness and draw attention to a super tiny flaw, detracting from the overall fact that I did a kickass job. It’s well known that women apologize more, and I think it adversely affects how men view us professionally. If I do a better job on a task than a male colleague who doesn’t apologize for anything, my apology just undermines my work (at least when the client is a man, which is basically always).
I agree completely! I’m young and female in a technical field, and there are plenty of other reasons people might doubt my credibility. I definitely don’t need to add to that list! It’s so hard to retrain those habits though.
When I traveled through Europe a bit ago I was pegged very quickly as American. Why? Because of the “I’m sorry”. One shop gal asked “why do you Americans apologize for everything? If you don’t want something don’t be sorry, just “no thank you” is more than enough”. You see, when souvenir shopping this same gal asked me if I wanted to buy something I was looking at. My response was “I’m sorry, no”. That’s what started the whole convo. She point blank asked me “why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about”….and then it started the convo above. It was at that point I started to notice how often I say this. “I’m sorry”, “sorry about” and other versions (excuse this X) and realized these are things that should be held back for when we TRULY are sorry – after an argument with a spouse, friend, parent or child, consoling someone on the loss of a loved one etc. Constantly saying it cheapens the real meaning behind it.
Since then I’ve worked hard to avoid the unnecessary “I’m sorry” type of statements in my life and you are right AA – it truly is freeing in daily life when you realize you can stop apologizing for normal things.
Huh, that’s so interesting that it has a regional connection. You make a great point that constantly apologizing waters down the gravity of the word. I hadn’t thought about it that way but you’re right. Thanks for the thoughtful comment!